Love or Money?
The Problem
These last few years, I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don’t know if it is a matter of age or satisfaction, or something that I have a hard time to put into words. I might even be comparing myself to people I see in the media. Seeing young people achieve immense financial success while seemingly enjoying life to the fullest just makes me wonder why I spent all my time in offices working for other people for comparably low wages. I feel like I want to follow my heart and my dreams but those things don’t bring about the financial success and overall satisfaction that I am craving. I really want to DO more. I really want to BE more.
The Debate
The debate in my head these days is about doing the things that make me happy or doing things that bring in money. I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. There are a lot of people that need to make money to support a family or live the life they want. I chased a lot of dreams throughout these four decades and I was not able to support myself through any of those endeavors alone. Some of them had potential, some made pocket change. The biggest one was just a downright failure. It’s the thing that has the longest running thread in my life. I might cry just thinking about it… OK. Maybe not, but I still feel a sense of disappointment.
Unfortunately, I feel like things are getting worse. As I get older, the sense of regret hanging over my shoulder; always there, always lurking just behind me; makes me feel like I need to make a big change and make it as soon as possible. When I have a feeling about what to do next, I question whether I am just setting myself up for another failure or if I finally found my path. I analyze the idea to pieces and see the myriad ways it can fail. It drives my into a downward spiral and in the end I just give up. Most of the time.
The need does not go away though. I burn myself out trying to move forward. When I fall behind financially, my family supports me. I also put in crazy work schedules to try and bring in some money. That money is for basic life necessities and often it is for the next project.
I let down a lot of people in my life and I think that they will never admit that to me. My family have always been supportive even when the thing I wanted to do was crazy, extreme, or foolish. I truly, and from the bottom of my heart, appreciate them! I don’t think they will ever know how much I am thankful that they are in my life.
The Solution
Well, I don’t think there is one perfect solution. I do think that I need more people in my life. I need true friends. I need people that I can bounce my ideas off of and get some constructive criticism. I need to be able to find myself and be myself. One crazy thing that has come up over and over again recently is that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I need support for people that can provide it. I need time to be able to get deep into the project I want to pursue without other things getting in the way. Damn, I am needy, aren’t I?
For the two or three people that may actually spend the time to read this, I thank you. If you have anything to say, just leave a comment. What worked for you? What didn’t? I am interested to hear anything. Thanks!
